One of Those Malibu Nights

Chick Book, Type Ten. What? Don’t know Type Ten? That’s right, you don’t, I just added it! I can’t believe I forgot this classic type of chick book. So here’s Type Ten, or you can go read about it and the rest of the code here.

Type Ten: The Thomas Crown Affair. There’s not much to say about this one except that it’s another one of those “I fooled you!” chick types. Most of the world sees this book/movie and thinks, “Hey, that looks good!” Its advertising is actually geared toward the male persuasion. It appears to have all the good guy parts- action, crime, cops, token hot chick. So guys go see it expecting to see a James Bond type flick, only to discover- zoinks! The hot chick isn’t really a token. Unfortunately, the whole story revolves around her, and this little romp in chickland ends with requited love. Awww. Sorry guys, but your date is happy!

So anyway, just because there’s so much to say about it- just a little bit about this book. It’s been a while since I’ve been to the library, so I forgot a couple things I had learned in my previous library visits. Important things, like which authors to avoid. So I’m wandering through the A’s and I realize that there’s a number of books by this author- Elizabeth Adler- that I haven’t yet read. Wow, I think, she must be really popular and all these books were always off the shelf when I was here the other times. So I pick up the first one I hadn’t yet read.

When I got it home, it took me about 5 pages to remember why I don’t read books by this author. Anybody who creates a main character named Precious Rafferty (and does it with a straight face) is probably going to bore me to death.

Nevertheless, this book was so absolutely horrible, I had to give it a go. Less for the story and more for the grim fascination of the ridiculous grammar, I read on to the bitter end. And it was bitter. Oh, don’t worry, the guy got the girl, of course- this is Type Ten, after all, but it was pure torture to wade my way through the myriad of grammatical and punctuation errors the whole way through. These weren’t those artsy-fartsy errors where they mess up on purpose for effect or narrative color, either. This manuscript just forgot to go to the proofreader.

Some impressive points to consider before heading over to pick up this book:

- I counted 12 grammatical errors in the first 5-page chapter alone.

- That’s not including the use of the word “kinda” on page 3.

- After 27 instances of starting a sentence with a preposition, I stopped counting. (I was on page 27.)

- This book contains a security guard named Lev Orenstein. Nice. (Precious Rafferty was in another book- one that I did not bother to finish because there were not nearly as many amusing mistakes in it.)

- Lest you think I’m making it up, this is a direct quote: “Unmade-up and with her long dark hair all tumbled Mac thought she’d never looked more lovely.” Seven-year-olds can punctuate that sentence. Or this one: “Silk of course.” Oh, wait. A seven-year-old would have a hard time punctuating those, as neither one is a real sentence.

- This one may be grammatically correct, but it’s no less ridiculous: “What could a girl do when her love life was sabotaged by her own Chihuahua?” Ay-yi-yi.

- Oh, nice moment: a watch found on the wrist of a dead body was still ticking. Wow. In this age of quartz, that’s quite a stimulating image.

- Perrin sighs about how terrible his life is: “First my wife disappears. Then my girlfriend.” Poor, poor, pitiful Perrin.

- Another awesome quote: “Shut up, you interfering Mexican slut.” What? As opposed to an ambivalent Mexican slut? An enabling one? A lazy one? What is the most offending kind of Mexican slut, anyway? Seriously, some of these people who author 40 books should have stopped at 39.

- There is a dog named Dog Dear… he is referred to as Dearie.

- Upon the bad guy driving his car off the bridge into the river: “It seemed an appropriate ending for such an evil man.” Well. You sure told ‘em.

- Believe it or not, the first paragraph includes the phrase, “It was just one of those Malibu nights.” Even more unbelievably, the last two lines of the book are: “It was just one of those Malibu nights. But this is where we came in.” You got to admire a book that ends with both a major cliché AND a grammatical error.

So, kudos to Ms. Adler. She has managed to do something that only one other author has ever done: turn me off of her writings forever. I officially boycott her until the end of my days. And I strongly suggest you do the same.