The Red Badge of Courage

This is one of those books that I picked up off the audio book shelf thinking to myself, oh, dandy. A classic. What a nice way to "read" a classic, listen to it being read to me! It counts as reading because I have experienced every word of the book. Well, it doesn't count as the act of reading, but I have technically "read" the book because I know everything that happens in it, the subtleties of character development and language nuances are not lost in the listening, etc, etc.

At least, that's what I thought.

Here's the deal. I'm sure that this is a nice book. It's one of those books that they make you read in school (or at least, some people did, not me, hence my need to read it now), so it must have some literary value or contribution to society in some way, shape, or form. Right? Well, maybe. I thought that about The Cay, too... Anyway, I'm sure this is just the nicest book in the world. I couldn't tell you, though, because I didn't hear a word of it. Well, I heard a few words. Problem was, the words I did hear... never been so bored in my life. Truly. I'm pretty sure stuff happened. There was this guy... think his name might have been Henry, but he was referred to throughout as "the Youth"... and thanks for that personal touch there, Mr. Crane... I really, really relate to that guy. You know, the Youth. Nothing like getting inside the head of the Youth. We might be cousins. Me and the Youth. So I'm pretty sure the Youth went to war... think he might have ran off... I know people died, because the few words I did hear were really disgusting scenes of blood and gore... corpses with worms in the eye sockets and other Burton-esque images... and I think that the book ended at some point. Pretty sure, anyway, because the voice stopped droning on in my ear.

So that brings me to the real problem I had here- the voice. Like I said, I'm pretty sure this was a better book than I think it was... had to be, right? But seriously, I've never been so bored in my life. This voice was droning, droning, droning, and weird accents- worse than the time Donald Sutherland narrated The Old Man And The Sea. (Now THAT was long. You don't know how annoying the word "fish" can be until you've heard it about 18 million times in a row...) But the problem here was mostly that this voice just stunk. I remember hearing him talking about "the rebels," as in, "we're going to kick some rebel tail," but yet everyone who spoke had the worst, slowest Southern accent ever. So these northern guys were talking like complete redneck idiots! It was like an army of Forrest Gumps heading off to shoot themselves with cannons. I had heard this particular voice before, narrating yet another horribly boring book: I, Robot. Which also might have been good, seeing's how they made a movie out of it, but I also recollect the similarities between the book and the movie being 1. the name of the robot-building corporation, and 2. maybe the name of a scientist somewhere in there. Too bad, because it was a pretty good movie. And too bad about that AWFUL book.

Which brings me to another, probably quite incomplete list. For the most part, books tend to outshine their movie counterparts. In my personal opinion, anyway. (Whatever, it's a fact. But if I call it my opinion, I don't have to debate it, because no one can really argue if it's just an opinion, right? And I hate arguing with people. I'd much rather rant and rave unchallenged.) So here's my list of movies that I've seen that break that rule- the movie far outweighs the book in overall quality:

1. I, Robot

2. Forrest Gump

3. A Time To Kill

And while I'm at it, here's some books that not only were better than their movie counterparts, but completely blew the cinematic version away:

1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

2. Jurassic Park

And just for kicks... movies and books that I think each got it about right.

1. Bridge to Terebithia

2. The Princess Bride

3. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

There, now you have the final authority on what's good and what's bad. Forget all those other reviews. I'm never wrong. Right. So yeah, I'm never wrong, but that's far from complete. I think I'll make it a sidebar and just keep adding to the list. After all, I have a cold right now and I can't think of every movie I've ever watched or book I've read off the top of my head at this particular moment. And I might be wrong on some... so tell me if you think something should be added to the list(s). But if I disagree with you I'll just ignore you... I'm rude that way.

Oh, and heads up! My Sister's Keeper, one of those Jodi Picoult books that I really liked, is now a movie. Um, if you've read the book, let me just say... seriously, I can't imagine this being a good movie. But I'll watch it anyway, and hope it is... well, you'll see why. If I were you, no matter who you are, watch this one alone in a dark room somewhere. Chances are you won't like yourself much after you do, so you won't want anyone else around.

Holding my breath for the cinematic Plain Truth... I wonder if they'll get Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis to play the parents? (Now somebody name THAT movie.)

Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Mysterious Handprints

Who doesn't love Encyclopedia Brown? Come on, you know we all read these books when we were kids. And some of us read them now as grownups. Or pseudo-grownups, whatever we may be. Anyway, fabulous: the Doogie Howser of crime takes care of all Idaville's problems that the big scary police chief can't handle. True! The chief of police, Leroy AKA Encyclopedia's father, comes home with an oh-so-confusing case that he's just clueless on. He can't figure it out so he tells his pint-sized genius all about it over dinner. By dessert Encyclopedia has solved the case, proved to his parents that he's the best thing since sliced bread, and oh yeah, fixed that little world peace problem. Brilliant!

The best part of this book is that each of the cases is a little mini-story that ends with Encyclopedia saying, "but of course I've figured it out," then there's an ominous second voice that intones, "How did Encyclopedia KNOW????" and then you're instructed to turn to the end to see if you were right. You're supposed to see if you're a kid genius just like Encyclopedia. So, did you notice things like:

1. The one who spells the best (the word "bookkeeper") is obviously the devious criminal

2. Men's shirts only have pockets on one side. The left side.

3. Whoever likes Ted Williams the best stole the watermelon

4. You never file your fingernails after taking a bath

5. An eight-year-old would obviously not know how to punctuate a love note.

What? You mean you picked up on all those things? Congratulations. You ARE a child genius!

The Hound of the Baskervilles

This was the first Sherlock Holmes book I ever read.  Okay, I admit it... this was the only Sherlock Holmes book I've ever read.  (But thanks to Star Trek TNG I am overly familiar with Holmes' quirks and habits, and even know who Moriarty is.  Data Rocks.  So does Lore.  Nevermind.)

Anyway, I read this back in the fifth grade.  I didn't remember anything about it other than the fact that it scared the pants off me.  I read it again... scared the pants off me.  Of course I was relieved at the end when I saw how it all worked out but it was still scary.  Very nice.  I respect Doyle so I didn't try to figure it out, even though I probably could have remembered everything if I'd tried.  (Just like I respect Agatha Christie so I didn't try to figure out Hercule Poirot.)  And therefore, I'm not going to tell you anything else about it either.  Ha.  Take that.

Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress

So...

This book was really as weird as the title makes it sound.  It's set in China in the 70s, when the reform of Mao Tse-Dong sent hundreds (thousands, depending on which history book you read) of young men into the wilderness of the Mongolian hills for "re-education."  It is the story of one such young re-educated man (the author- it's supposed to be a true story) and all that happened to him there.  

So what happened to him there was that he and his friend saw a couple movies once.  I would tell you his friend's name, but I can't.  This was an audio book, and therefore I have no idea how to spell his name... can't even guess.  See, my first mistake here was picking up a book that said "translated from the French by..." on the cover.  In my experience, translated by anyone from anything, unless it has the historical significance of Mein Kampf, is not worth the effort of wading through the cultural differences and language barrier sure to be in the book.  And this was a Chinese guy who wrote in French and it was translated to English.  Yikes.  Not gonna be fun.

Anyway, there was this guy (author) and his friend (dude), and before they were sent to the hills to be re-educated they had seen movies.  They entertained all the villagers and whatnot by dramatically recounting stories from the movies.  Propaganda movies, yes, but made interesting by the two boys.  So everybody loves them, and this little daughter of a tailor (the little seamstress, we NEVER learn her name, Author spends the entire book referring to her as The Little Seamstress- ANNOYING), just thinks these boys are amazing.  Of course she falls in love with Author's friend, Dude.  Dude and TLS sneak out to be together quite often, blah blah blah.

Well, Author and Dude get a hold of a book by Balzac.  Having been subjected only to propaganda-inspired literature until this moment (they're about 18 or so), they are enraptured by the story within.  Dude uses the bawdy story to seduce TLS, and they have a marvelous tryst beneath a ginkgo tree, the leaves of which (covered in blood from the quite literal de-flowering) he brings back to Author for a souvenir.  What a good friend.  Dude and TLS continue to do it with abandon whilst Author and Dude try to scrounge up more illegal books to satisfy their lust for literature.  For some reason, Author is always along with DUde and TLS while they're hanging out... he just disappears politely while they're all nakie and stuff.  What a good friend.

Dude gets a quick vacation and goes back to visit his family.  TLS comes to Author, sad because she's pregnant.  Author takes her somewhere for a secret abortion so no one ever finds out.  Dude comes back.  Author and TLS never tell him.  And... book ends.

Really?  Done?  Yes.  No, I did not miss a CD at the end of this one- I heard the end credits.  This was a classic case of let-my-guard-down-and-picked-a-bad-audio-book, coupled with sadist-desire-to-find-out-if-it-ever-gets-good.  It didn't.

Two things struck me.  I couldn't figure out why Author was writing this story and not Dude.  I mean, nothing ever happened to Author!  This was stupid!  All he did was follow his horny friends around and kind of wish he had a girl too.  I guess it's his story because this initial exposure to literature led him to an eventual (quite unknown) career in writing.  Meh.  Not worth it.

The Celery Stalks At Midnight

So I read The Celery Stalks at Midnight again.  Third in the Bunnicula series, totally funny series, even though I never read the second one.  It took me about 20 minutes, which is about as many seconds as I am going to spend on this blog entry- nothing else to say.  Bunnicula is a vampire rabbit.  The books are funny.  Bunnicula is the best one of the three.  Your kids will love it.  So do I.  That's all.