The Red Badge of Courage

This is one of those books that I picked up off the audio book shelf thinking to myself, oh, dandy. A classic. What a nice way to "read" a classic, listen to it being read to me! It counts as reading because I have experienced every word of the book. Well, it doesn't count as the act of reading, but I have technically "read" the book because I know everything that happens in it, the subtleties of character development and language nuances are not lost in the listening, etc, etc.

At least, that's what I thought.

Here's the deal. I'm sure that this is a nice book. It's one of those books that they make you read in school (or at least, some people did, not me, hence my need to read it now), so it must have some literary value or contribution to society in some way, shape, or form. Right? Well, maybe. I thought that about The Cay, too... Anyway, I'm sure this is just the nicest book in the world. I couldn't tell you, though, because I didn't hear a word of it. Well, I heard a few words. Problem was, the words I did hear... never been so bored in my life. Truly. I'm pretty sure stuff happened. There was this guy... think his name might have been Henry, but he was referred to throughout as "the Youth"... and thanks for that personal touch there, Mr. Crane... I really, really relate to that guy. You know, the Youth. Nothing like getting inside the head of the Youth. We might be cousins. Me and the Youth. So I'm pretty sure the Youth went to war... think he might have ran off... I know people died, because the few words I did hear were really disgusting scenes of blood and gore... corpses with worms in the eye sockets and other Burton-esque images... and I think that the book ended at some point. Pretty sure, anyway, because the voice stopped droning on in my ear.

So that brings me to the real problem I had here- the voice. Like I said, I'm pretty sure this was a better book than I think it was... had to be, right? But seriously, I've never been so bored in my life. This voice was droning, droning, droning, and weird accents- worse than the time Donald Sutherland narrated The Old Man And The Sea. (Now THAT was long. You don't know how annoying the word "fish" can be until you've heard it about 18 million times in a row...) But the problem here was mostly that this voice just stunk. I remember hearing him talking about "the rebels," as in, "we're going to kick some rebel tail," but yet everyone who spoke had the worst, slowest Southern accent ever. So these northern guys were talking like complete redneck idiots! It was like an army of Forrest Gumps heading off to shoot themselves with cannons. I had heard this particular voice before, narrating yet another horribly boring book: I, Robot. Which also might have been good, seeing's how they made a movie out of it, but I also recollect the similarities between the book and the movie being 1. the name of the robot-building corporation, and 2. maybe the name of a scientist somewhere in there. Too bad, because it was a pretty good movie. And too bad about that AWFUL book.

Which brings me to another, probably quite incomplete list. For the most part, books tend to outshine their movie counterparts. In my personal opinion, anyway. (Whatever, it's a fact. But if I call it my opinion, I don't have to debate it, because no one can really argue if it's just an opinion, right? And I hate arguing with people. I'd much rather rant and rave unchallenged.) So here's my list of movies that I've seen that break that rule- the movie far outweighs the book in overall quality:

1. I, Robot

2. Forrest Gump

3. A Time To Kill

And while I'm at it, here's some books that not only were better than their movie counterparts, but completely blew the cinematic version away:

1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

2. Jurassic Park

And just for kicks... movies and books that I think each got it about right.

1. Bridge to Terebithia

2. The Princess Bride

3. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

There, now you have the final authority on what's good and what's bad. Forget all those other reviews. I'm never wrong. Right. So yeah, I'm never wrong, but that's far from complete. I think I'll make it a sidebar and just keep adding to the list. After all, I have a cold right now and I can't think of every movie I've ever watched or book I've read off the top of my head at this particular moment. And I might be wrong on some... so tell me if you think something should be added to the list(s). But if I disagree with you I'll just ignore you... I'm rude that way.

Oh, and heads up! My Sister's Keeper, one of those Jodi Picoult books that I really liked, is now a movie. Um, if you've read the book, let me just say... seriously, I can't imagine this being a good movie. But I'll watch it anyway, and hope it is... well, you'll see why. If I were you, no matter who you are, watch this one alone in a dark room somewhere. Chances are you won't like yourself much after you do, so you won't want anyone else around.

Holding my breath for the cinematic Plain Truth... I wonder if they'll get Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis to play the parents? (Now somebody name THAT movie.)